taniasmom

How bad do I want to lose weight? I feel like it’s my all-consuming  obsession these days, and yet, I am not being as successful as I would like to be. Maybe the obsession is the problem. I wish I could stop thinking about it and just feel good about myself. But I don’t. I feel fat and getting fatter. I hate this, my whole life has been this same struggle. I don’t want my daughter to go through this….

So what do I do? I know how to be successful and yet I keep sabotaging myself. Every morning I wake up with the resolve to have a “good” day (meaning being within my WW points and possibly exercising). Then something happens…I get over-hungry, or stressed, or bored and then I eat. And then I feel guilty, and figure I already blew it and continue to eat. Vicious cycle. Out of control. I need to stop this!

When I think back to when I was successful it was when I was doing WW and going to the gym. I had more flexibility back then because I didn’t have my daughter, but I can do a workout at home or go to the gym when she’s in bed. I have to stop making excuses and make this a priority. I don’t feel like myself and it’s making me withdraw from life - not good…..

I am going to do my best and stop beating myself up. I am going to plan my meals the day before and get to the gym or workout at home as often as I can. I will also take days off. I don’t want to start resenting “having” to work out, because that will just lead to failure. I think I need to focus on the food more. I am already pretty good with the exercise.  Although this week, between the stress at work and the cold I am fighting, I have not been. I have already committed to running an hour on the treadmill tomorrow, and Pump on Thursday, so that will help!

I want to feel good about myself again. I want my daughter to have a good role model and feel proud of me. It’s not rocket science! Eat less and move more…I need to get control back. I just need to stop giving in!

Wow, what a day! I had an exam this morning and then going into work to deal with the earthquake situation in Haiti, then working out…I am physically and mentally exhausted.

So far the eating and working out is going well. I am very glad I joined WW online. I am not having a perfect week, but it really helps to record what I eat and how much I exercise. I am learning about myself and my habits and seeing where there are areas for improvement. Like drinking water. I really need to start doing this!  I should also start planning my day the night before. I feel good and have more energy though, plus I am sleeping better. There are lots of benefits. Take one day at a time…

Tomorrow is the new release for Bodypump, I am looking forward to that! Well, I am too tired to be much more prolific, so off I go to vegetate on the couch.

Nite nite

Well, I stepped on the scale this morning to get a sneak peek of tomorrow’s result and was not happy. No change, in fact, I may even have gone up. I just don’t understand. Very discouraging.

This made me think back to when I WAS successful and it was when I was  doing the weight watchers core program, which is very similar to clean eating, as well as going to the gym. I am going back to that today. Sundays are the start of the calendar week, so that works for me! I signed up online so that I can track my foods and activity and stay within my points.   I have signed on for a 3 month plan for $85. That combined with my $50 /month gym membership is far better than $7000 a year for a personal trainer. I am hoping to lose about 25 pounds in that time. I like the website, better than other free sites I have tried which I find very challenging. I don’t have time to go to meetings right now. I don’t get that much out of them anyway, I am sure I can do this on my own anyway, God knows I KNOW  the program, I just have to follow it honestly. I already know it works.

I am going to the movies tonight with my friend to see “It’s complicated”. Movie popcorn….I may indulge in a small one. If I tell myself I can’t have it, I will want it so bad I’ll end up getting a large. At least if I allow myself a small one, I won’t feel deprived and end up going way overboard.

Tonight for dinner we’re having the pasta sauce I made and froze last weekend.  I was hoping to spend the afternoon prepping meals for this week, but it didn’t happen. My sister came over for a visit. I guess I could spend some time doing that now before dinner. Just have to boil pasta after all….

TTFN

Ok, so the first week is almost done and I am taking some time to look back and see what I have gained (no pun intended) from following my new program.

Well, I love eating clean. Oatmeal and eggs for breakfast and salad and protein seems to work for me for breakfast and lunches. I feel satisfied and not deprived. I can vary what I put them to make them interesting. Almonds and fruit seem to be good snacks too. I still crave sweets and need to drink water, buy my overall consumption of sweets was dramatically reduced this week. I still need to drink more water, but I did drink more green tea which is healthy, it’s a start.

I realized that I am a great procrastinator and eating is a great way to procrastinate. I am going to try to find satisfaction in getting stuff done, as funny as that sounds, instead of wasting time eating. I also realized that I eat when I am upset and happy. It’s a habit, I recognize it and will take steps to change it. I think I use food as a reward. I used to do that when I smoked. Like I somehow “earned” it. Only with both, neither are good for my health. I gave up smoking, but I have to eat, I just have to change my focus. Maybe I need reward stickers or something…LOL.

As for exercise, I am going to try to get to pump 3 times a week and do cardio 5 times a week. I am still ironing out exactly which days I will do what. I took tonight off because I am still not feeling 100%. I felt like I just needed to relax. I made a pork tenderloin recipe for tomorrow’s dinner(again from Clean eating - herb stuffed, this month’s issue). I have to work tomorrow, so my hubby just has to throw it in the oven and it will be ready in no time. Tonight for dinner we had the whole wheat farfalle with steak in creamy tomato sauce (from you guessed it, this month’s clean eating mag.). It was deelish, could use a bit of a kick, like hot sauce, but otherwise it was really good!

I am so tired of always HAVING to do “something” after work that it’s nice to not have anything to do. My time is my own, to a certain extent with a 20-month old! But after she goes to bed, I can do what I want. I still need to nail down my routine, I will, but I want to be able to be flexible. For example, I chose not to exercise tonight, but I will do something tomorrow which was supposed to be a day off for me.

My challenge is to find the work/life balance, which is the same for everyone! Eating healthy is very important to me, so is exercise, so is not driving myself crazy for not being perfect. I think I had a pretty good week all things considered. I want to spend time finding healthy recipes and preparing as much in advance as I can. I will have to enlist hubby’s help with this I think. Working Saturdays is hard. I only get one day to relax really, Sundays. And even then I don’t really relax - I am busy with cleaning and laundry and other mom/wife/homeowner things…Gah! I need more hours in the day. Or more days. I am sure I am not alone! I just need to manage my time better. Or call in sick to sleep and have some “me” time….hahahahaha!

So tomorrow is Saturday, I have to work. Dinner is 50% done, just have to make a side. Thinking about the skinny scalloped potatoes in the same issue, if I have time. If not, it will just be mashed. I will exercise in the evening, as long as mother in law is not over. Sunday I will work out also, probably step at 930. I am going to the movies with my friend Val to see “It’s complicated” Sunday evening. Looks good, I will just have to resist the popcorn!

I will eat healthy and exercise. I will weigh myself on Monday morning and see what the scale says…hopefully it will be down!

Have a lovely weekend!

I decided to take a break from working out today. My body is sore from all the exercise I have done, so I decided I needed a rest day. I went shopping instead! I bought some new work pants and a top and the sales girl said my butt looked great in the pants. I think it does too! Yay bodypump and running! My hubby agreed when I tried them on for him when I got home…felt good, nice to hear encouragement in any way, shape or form! I also got a new pair of workout pants for the gym.

Today was a a good day food-wise. I have to say I really like the clean eating philosophy of eating every 3 hours. Just when I start to feel hungry, I realize it’s time to eat! For breakfast I had a boiled egg and one egg white, cream of wheat with yogurt and raisins, snack was almonds and a banana. Lunch was salad with tuna, carrot soup and a few multigrain crackers, snack was an apple with peanut butter (what a delicious and satisfying snack this was! So glad I discovered it!). Dinner was homemade chicken fajitas. After shopping I was hungry so I had some cheerios with soy milk. 

One area I am weak in is drinking enough water. I know it’s important and I think about it often, I just don’t do it. I am going to try to work on that next.

Well, off to read my fitness magazine now! Nitey nite…

So I went to the gym today to cost out a personal trainer. Long story short, it’s waaay over my budget ($7000 a year!?!?!) so I have to go with plan B. Plan B is to workout on my own. I will use the machines and go to bodypump and other classes and use the treadmill. I will look at some workout magazines and try to find some inspiration.

Other than that, it was a good day. I had a couple of boiled egg whites and oatmeal with raisins for breakfast. I had a couple of cookies when I got back from the gym - yes, it was to make me feel better. Did it? No, not really, but I am still learning that lesson! Lunch was a lovely Greek salad with a couple of slices of whole grain bread and the lefover roasted red pepper I had - delicioius! Dinner was a pork chop with leftover stroganoff and sauteed mushrooms. After dinner I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes or so, non-stop to boot, which is impressive considering I usually run 10 minutes then walk for 1 minute. After the gym I was hungry so I had a bowl of Cheerios with dried dates and organic vanilla soy milk. Soy milk is yummy.

I have not made my lunch for tomorrow yet. I am thinking salad with Tuna and either carrot or squash soup which I have at work in cartons. So far the salad thing for lunch is working for me. I love eating clean, I have to say I feel really good! Tomorrow  night’s dinner…not sure yet, maybe chicken and mashed potatoes? Will have to see what I feel like having tomorrow.

Nite nite…

Today was a great day!

The hardest part of my day  was dropping my  daughter off at the sitter’s after such a nice holiday together. This time is so precious, I wish I could slow it down, I know all parents do…..

I ate clean and managed to resist the cake and chocolates that someone had displayed in our office lunchroom. I looked at the cake and really asked myself “Do you really want this? Is this going to get you  any  closer to what you truly desire?” The anser was a resounding no! Same for the chocolates. I tell you, that instant of feeling in control and making a healthy decision set my intention for the rest of the day. I made a cup  of green tea instead and took a moment to acknowledge my decision. I am sure that if I had given in as I usually do it would have sent me off on a binge for the rest of the day. Not today!  Very empowering.

After dinner I went to Bodypump. God, I love that class! I was standing by the mirrors - I like to do that to make sure my form is good -and I decided to check myself out (discreetly of course!). I have to say, I am a little fluffier in the middle than I would like, but my legs and butt are solid, I would even say my legs are cut. Must be from all that running. I know that once these layers of flab come off I am going to have a great base because I exercise religiously. My body underneath is fit, I just have to lose the blanket…LOL.

For lunch tomorrow I am debating whether or not to have leftovers from tonight’s dinner (mushroom stroganoff from Clean Eating magazine). It was delicious! I highly recommend it. Lunches are the hardest for me. If I don’t feel satisfied at work, then I start “creeping”. If I am bored or feel like procrastinating…danger! The other problem is sometimes even if I plan and prepare it, I don’t feel like eating what I made. Not to mention salads are not exactly fun to eat in January. Unless it’s a warm bacon one…ok, don’t go there!

Well, I better go make up my mind and get it together! 

Why is it that I can go all day, eating well and feeling motivated and then let it all fall to hell in the evenings?? I am so mad at myself. What happened…retrace my steps…

I was fine until after dinner. Had to make lunches for tomorrow, so I sat down with my journal and tried to plan out tomorrow’s fare. I am a procrastinator so I went to the kitchen for something sweet. I chose dried dates. Probably ate too many, but better than some of the alternatives. I finally made my list, but then I had to make the food…I guess I am not excited about my food for work tomorrow - oatmeal, yogurt, salad, shrimp, almonds and fruit…..nothing wrong with them, just maybe not as interesting as pizza or fries. So as I am washing the lettuce, I hear the jar of Nutella calling me…had to have toast with nutella. It’s like a compulsion. Ok, so I had 2 slices of bread, not the loaf, could have been worse, but it’s this kind of behaviour that sabotages me. I am going to stop buying it, my husband doesn’t need it either!

I eat when I am stressed, bored, angry, worried, eat eat eat eat eat eat. I need to figure out something else to do. I need to resist that first urge and then realize that I won’t DIE if I don’t give in. And I’ll feel better for having stayed in control and not spend the rest of the night feeling sorry for myself. It helps to say it though. Cathartic.

I love myself enough to push through the hard times and commit to being successful and healthy. Tomorrow is a new day.

Today was a good day. It snowed most of the day which made me feel very “nesty”, so I treated my hubby and daughter to a healthy breakfast (spinach and goat cheese omelette with hashbrowns). When she went down for her nap, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on clean foods for the week. I then came home and had lunch (sweet potato fries and cottage cheese) then made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce which I will freeze, as well as  a sauce I will use tomorrow. It’s from the current issue of clean eating magazine- mushroom stroganoff - it sure looks and smells good! It will be so nice to come home after work tomorrow, and only have to boil pasta. During all of this, I roasted a couple of red peppers for tonight’s dinner, which was broiled jerk salmon with another clean eating recipe, mashed potatoes with roasted red peppers and feta. I tell you, cheating foods do not taste near as good as this did.  I enjoy cooking and it feels good to spend time making things that I know are good for me and my family. The effort is worth it.

I did not work out today, still feeling sore from yesterday’s Step class and shovelling. I am meeting my new trainer on Tuesday, so am enjoying my “down” time until then. I will go to Pump tomorrow night for sure.

I am off to make our lunches for tomorrow, then deal with some laundry and drink some tea.

Bonne nuit!

Well, here I am again, the new year has begun and I am filled with an almost effervescent excitement. It is an excitement not for what has been, but for what will be. I know it will be hard work, but I am committed. This excitement is at times taken over by many other emotions…shame, guilt, denial, fear. But at the end of the day, I know what I have to do.

I can’t deal with the self-loathing another day. Many people think it’s ridiculous how hard I am on myself and maybe I don’t have hundreds of pounds to lose, but for me it’s not even the numbers on the scale that make me cringe. It’s the feelings of being out of control, the bingeing, the sheer gluttony. And I don’t know why. Is there some underlying trauma or emotional issue? Maybe. But I sure as hell don’t want whatever happened in my past to dictate my future. I want to be in control. I am taking control back.

In reading the handbook, it suggests you identify a few things about yourself, so here goes:

MOTIVE ANALYSIS:

-I want to lose weight because: I feel uncomfortable. My clothes are tight, I have a hard time moving and breathing. I feel like a failure and fraud. How can I be expected to teach and motivate my 10K running class when I am considered “obese” by the people at BMI? I don’t feel like I deserve to BE in the class, let alone TEACHING it. Also, for my daughter, to be healthy and alive. To be a mom she can be proud of and look up to.

-My feelings about my weight are: I have struggled my whole entire life. I was on weight watchers as a child and pretty much ever since, on and off, over all the years of my life. I have NEVER felt completely comfortable in my skin. I was 6 pounds away from my goal when I got pregnant and I am working on getting back there. I did it once, I know I can do it again. Eating right and exercise - sure fire…so why is it so hard?? LOL. Sob…

-Food is: the enemy; a companion; a comfort; a challenge; a mystery. I have no problem with exercise. I just eat. Too much, usually of the wrong things. I have been researching the Clean Eating diet and plan to follow it. My problem is I am usually “on plan” until lunch time and then it all seems to fall apart. I am going to try hard to identify what my triggers are and what I can do instead of filling my face! And if I MUST eat something, to choose something smarter.

-My family/spouse/friends view my weight loss efforts as: unnecessary. This makes me insane. I wish someone would tell me honestly that I need to get it under control. I have to do this for me. I know the truth. So do the BMI people. As much as I hate them, they aren’t afraid to show me the numbers! Support from my family/spouse/friends? No - HA! Sad, but true. This is all me……

MY HISTORY : As I said, I have been on (and off) weight watchers my whole life. I know it works, and it’s a great program. My issue this time around is that I learned how to spend my points on junk foods. I could do that again, but I don’t just want to be slim this time around, I want to be healthy. I want to talk the talk AND walk the walk. Eat to live and not live to eat. I was 224 at my heaviest…and a smoker. I lost some weight on my own, quit smoking, then joined WW and the gym. I hired a trainer, started running…was  6 pounds from goal. Then I got the best surprise of my life - I was pregnant. I gained 50 pounds with my pregnancy, but when I was ready I started the diet and exercise again. I was 15 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight when I went back to work - and I have since gained 20 back…not the movement on the scale I was hoping for!!

I have an appointment with a new personal trainer on Tuesday. I would like to lose 10 pounds this month for my mini-goal. Yikes!

Why do I fail? I fail because I lose control with the food. I am like an addict. I am going to win this.

When am I successful? I am successful when I plan, journal/track and exercise. I need to be accountable to something or someone though. That’s where the trainer comes in. When I know I have to check in with someone, cheating is not so appealing…

GREATEST STRENGTH: Perseverance. I will never give up.

GREATEST WEAKNESS: Giving in and eating out of control. And feeling like my life is not my own because of it.

Well, there you have it folks. This is my journey.